Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Sex, Sheep and New Zealand

Ode to an Up and Coming Blogger
Sex, Sheep and New Zealand

I have written a bunch of amazing blogs about my life and the world over the past year. Sadly, only about three people a day visit my blog. For example, over the past year, only three visitors from New Zealand have visited my blog. I have never been to New Zealand but have heard it's a swell place with great people.

I went to my blogging expert to ask what I needed to do to connect with readers from New Zealand. "Blog about sheep" she said. "And what about readers from the rest of the world?" I queried. "Blog about sex", she said.

So here is my blog about sheep and sex. First, sex. I know what sex is, but don't consider myself an international expert. I say that with a degree of modesty, since I have been on several T.V. programs alongside erudite sexperts. In these programs I often talk about the importance of body odor in mating in animals, and what I suspect happens among humans too. I have interviewed at least one female who tell me that she ends up dating the wrong men because she finds their body odor irresistibly attractive.

I gave a talk on this subject last month to three hundred hygienists and most of the women in the audience (there were no men!) admitted that they find the body odor of certain males to be attractive (there are also recent scientific papers dealing with the effect male odors have on women's physiology and brain activities). And like Napoleon Bonaparte, I certainly do like the body odor of my missus. Furthermore, once in a while, I do have the opportunity to perform with talented and good looking female singers and thespians.

All this blogging about sex, however, still may not bring in new readers from New Zealand. For that, I need the sheep. So here goes. New Zealand has zillions of sheep. Sheep have sex with each other (of this I am quite confident). Men may have sex with sheep (so I heard long ago from a knowledgeable farmer), but only occasionally do relationships develop (this from the Woody Allen movie), and rarely do mixed offspring arise (otherwise there would be more curly children than there are now). This may be the origin of the expressions "sheepish grin" and "pulling the wool over your thighs", but I am not sure about either, either.

Finally, I have never been to New Zealand but I know that it is not too far from Australia. Australians have told me they have too many kangaroos (that sex thing again). I have written a children's story about a kangaroo named Kenya with a hopping problem. You can read and hear the story at my free children's website, http://www.meltells.com/. I have written about hyenas, roosters, fish, bears, elephants, but not about sheep, nor duck-billed platypi. Any suggestions from the folks in Auckland?

Finally, please do not show this blog to children under the age of five. The older ones are likely to know more about sex and sheep than I do.


amichai said...

great way to upgrade your pagerank!
i can see u really active these days :D

Mel said...

Glad I was able to upgrade. Thanks for the support. I have lots of great material to come so keep reading:)